Time after time when things are challenging I find myself saying “why can’t it just be easy?!” or “why does everything have to be so difficult?!” The fact is I’m simply not taking responsibility for choosing the struggle. I look for challenges and find struggle. I enjoy overcoming them and helping others work through emotional baggage. Sometimes it can swallow me up and I allow myself to feel like the victim, the one it’s happening to. It’s critical to remind myself to find balance. I need space sometimes, but pulling away from the vortex of energy in my life isn’t easy. It’s easier to stay in it and complain. That’s normal. Just because it’s socially acceptable doesn’t mean I want to be that person. I want to be the person that is a guiding light for others, someone unafraid of the unknown.
Our journey makes us who we are. I love my boyfriend and his deep passionate love. Our life is not easy together but it’s my choice. I had easy. My ex-husband was my best friend. We had a blast together, rarely fought and were a great team. If we did argue it was more like family than lovers, and romance usually ended in laughter. I needed that then but when I was ready for us to graduate to being intimately closer it was clear that we had come to an end, abruptly. I thought that was love, and it was. I thought it was love I wanted, and it was. I thought it was the love that I would want forever, but it wasn’t. I remember wishing we could fight and make up because I wanted the rush, the spark. We didn’t. I have that now and sometimes miss the calm dullness of great friendship over a passionate love affair. Then I hike and write and talk and be still and remember… I want this, I asked for this, every single part of it. I wanted to feel alive. I wanted feel crazy about someone and for him to feel the same. I have that. Now I want both. I love my life and cherish every moment of battle I choose to put myself in.