Here I Go…

I love this view. It reminds me to surrender to what is, to rise above ego or earthly needs. To just BE.

As human beings we are never immune to stress in life, especially when are in relationships or daily routines. I’ve been consistently working hard to deconstruct and reconstruct my inner world. It’s not easy to directly face my past, my fears, my inner critic and the not-good-enough’s. I’m not immune. Neither are you.

Many people didn’t know I smoked cigarettes. Well, the cat is outta the bag! I was ashamed and very good at justifying it to myself. I wasn’t an addict- like many other family members, so I’m ok – I thought. But I was an addict. I was a nicotine addict. Once I let it go I realized how much consistent, subtle anxiety I was able to tolerate and smoking had been covering up. Now I had to find new tools. On top of that, I was digging deeper into my soul than ever before, searching for answers, strength, courage and leadership. Every day I’ve hit a new edge. Every day I gained something new and let go of something old.

When you fly you have to trust the pilot and have faith that everything will go as planned, without being overly attached to the schedule. Flights change, there’s turbulence, delays, lost bags and rerouted tickets. Anything and everything is up for grabs. I love fly days because I give myself permission to go with whatever happens. I planned every detail up to this moment, now I just get to be in the moment- in all its beauty, humanity and imperfections. Ahead of time I plan in buffers and contingency plans, I play out worst case scenarios (briefly) to know what I would do and have all my documents and itineraries in case technology fails. I build in fail safes EVERYWHERE. And then I relax and just BE.

I don’t do emails when I fly. I don’t catch up on my to-do list. I don’t have any shoulds. I just enjoy the ride and go with the flow. This is all true, and also a metaphor. In life, I plan, I study, I research, I build in fail safes and contingencies for contingencies. I prepare, a lot. Then I go- I fly, I do, I be. I carry out the plan and allow it to take its own shape within the model and itinerary I’ve built ahead of time. I improvise when I need to, with enthusiasm and without reservations.

This picture, this flight to Santa Fe is symbolic. Here I go, here I come, here I am.