Dirty. Silky. Internet

 

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Meet Dick Tracy, our imaginative Ostridge , and future mascot. Maybe. One day.

I know you’re curious, right? Well, like most of our conversations, or workdays for that matter, it started with a perfectly normal mission of finding Silky Chickens. Err, maybe normal for us. We decided months ago we must have Silky Chickens or mini pigs or a mini cow, if those exist. Today, we began our research. NOTE: you must be careful the names of silky chickens you search for…

Co-worker: Now I know why that computer has viruses, because your searching “showgirl sizzle”.

Boss: It was a link on the page I was searching, it sounded real.

Co-worker: Right.

Boss: Do you think we could handle 5? What about an Ostridge?

Co-worker exits while shaking his head.

So there we were, deeply entrenched in our google search that nearly broke me. I lost it at petstouch.com, after everything I had exposed myself to in this mission to find our silky chickens, it was the name of that site. It just sounded … wrong. Like I would see a site filled with barn animals wearing silk stockings. It was not that. But I would continue to have my hysterical laughing fit for the next 30 minutes.

What I’ve learned:

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1.It’s hard to tell the sex of a chicken. Also expensive. Sexed chickens are $150 and up. Male chickens are free, as many as you want because their aggressive and loud, like an obnoxious drunk girl, no one wants them. So if you’re willing to make it a coin toss then it’s $5 each, with a 15 chick minimum. So many jokes. Fertilized hatching eggs around $30 for 6. This was quickly becoming a larger commitment and a breeding ground for inappropriate humor. So, naturally, we kept looking.

2. “Silkies” are one of the worlds cutest and most popular farm animal. Everywhere was sold out. So much for committing. That wasn’t the end of our search though, or our bad humor

3. Emu’s are cool and fertilized eggs are about $80- for a 3 pack…Hmm, moving on…

4. Fertilized Ostridge Eggs are $120…If we want 6…which we imagined through my boss’s circus mind would probably end badly. So I guess that’s out.

5. When crazily hunting for silky chickens page after page on google (because everyone is sold out) your searches can lead you very far from your original goal.

6. There is a whole chicken community, including chicken parties. We don’t know what that fully entails but when we found local small farms that sell silkies we noticed many conversations asking each other if they planned to go. I’m very curious but I think my imagination makes it sound more intriguing than it probably is. After all, these are serious chicken lovers.

I’m grateful for my job, my ridiculously hilarious boss and our ability to find ourself in countless awkward situations that had started with the best of intentions. It really is the little things.

Don’t judge 😉

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Midgets, Albinos and Dead birds

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The fully wearable and operational suit

So this just happened…

DISCLAIMER: I take full responsibility for the irreverence of this post and only found it amusing in how quickly our conversation turned into an in-depth analysis of a subject we knew nothing about. Please pardon my own offensive ignorance, seriously.

Me: “We should get a trampoline for our students.”

Boss: “No, it’s a bad idea. We’ve done it before and they just launch each other. We could only do it if we provide velcro suits and a wall.”

Boss’s 22yr old son: “It reminds me of Wolf of Wall Street with the midgets. I don’t think that’s legal anymore though.”

Me: “No it’s not legal. But I don’t know why, what’s wrong with suiting them up in velcro suits and catapulting them onto a wall…If that’s how they want to earn their living.”

Boss: “Um, ok, you have to stop. That’s horrible. 1) because that’s like saying why did we abolish slavery and 2) because the only jobs ever offered to them for  long time were circuses and acts like that. So it was outlawed and you’re a dick. Now that I think of it, I never see midgets working anywhere…or albinos…or dead birds?? I’m concerned, I know they’re out there, I know I should see like 10 dead birds a day, or a midget or albino once in a while but I don’t! Are they hiding and then eating all the dead birds so no one sees them??”

Me: “Wow, you got really worked up over that. I didn’t think of it that way. I didn’t mean it to be a dick. I would love to be paid to wear velcro and be launched. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I’m too heavy for all that.”

Co-worker A: (Our fiery 63yr old teachers aide that was previously laughing too hard to speak) “You’re right! Where are all the dead birds?! I don’t know about albinos but I work with a person like that at the other school. He has a cute butt!”

Boss: “You can see it? Is that all he is…a butt? I don’t think they liked being called Midgets anymore but the way. I think the preferred term is ‘little people’.”

Co-worker B: (who only walked in at that line) “I used to work with a little person at my pizza place job, he was 4’11″and a dough roller.”

Co-worker A: “I’m 4’11” and that’s not a little person. What does him being a dough roller have anything to do with it?”

(Co-worker B walked out of the room,probably realizing what he just walked into and was in over his head)

We then spent the next 30 minutes coming up with jobs we think little people would be good at:

Our determination was…Anything. They can do anything. They’re simply smaller than the average human and that’s it. But they would be particularly adept at navigating small childlike spaces or those cool animatronic suits that never have enough room for a grown average adult and too dangerous for a kid. Yeah, now I just want to be a little person so I can go in one of those suits.