Here I Go…

I love this view. It reminds me to surrender to what is, to rise above ego or earthly needs. To just BE.

As human beings we are never immune to stress in life, especially when are in relationships or daily routines. I’ve been consistently working hard to deconstruct and reconstruct my inner world. It’s not easy to directly face my past, my fears, my inner critic and the not-good-enough’s. I’m not immune. Neither are you.

Many people didn’t know I smoked cigarettes. Well, the cat is outta the bag! I was ashamed and very good at justifying it to myself. I wasn’t an addict- like many other family members, so I’m ok – I thought. But I was an addict. I was a nicotine addict. Once I let it go I realized how much consistent, subtle anxiety I was able to tolerate and smoking had been covering up. Now I had to find new tools. On top of that, I was digging deeper into my soul than ever before, searching for answers, strength, courage and leadership. Every day I’ve hit a new edge. Every day I gained something new and let go of something old.

When you fly you have to trust the pilot and have faith that everything will go as planned, without being overly attached to the schedule. Flights change, there’s turbulence, delays, lost bags and rerouted tickets. Anything and everything is up for grabs. I love fly days because I give myself permission to go with whatever happens. I planned every detail up to this moment, now I just get to be in the moment- in all its beauty, humanity and imperfections. Ahead of time I plan in buffers and contingency plans, I play out worst case scenarios (briefly) to know what I would do and have all my documents and itineraries in case technology fails. I build in fail safes EVERYWHERE. And then I relax and just BE.

I don’t do emails when I fly. I don’t catch up on my to-do list. I don’t have any shoulds. I just enjoy the ride and go with the flow. This is all true, and also a metaphor. In life, I plan, I study, I research, I build in fail safes and contingencies for contingencies. I prepare, a lot. Then I go- I fly, I do, I be. I carry out the plan and allow it to take its own shape within the model and itinerary I’ve built ahead of time. I improvise when I need to, with enthusiasm and without reservations.

This picture, this flight to Santa Fe is symbolic. Here I go, here I come, here I am.

Me After Him

You were my healer, my teacher, my best friend, my soul mate. I couldn’t fathom my life without you, let alone survive it without you. You were my world, my everything, nothing was ever too scary with you in my life. Then, in what seemed like a moment of torrential misery I watched you turn into my nightmare. How could this be happening?? Everything was great. Who are you?? Where’s my friend?? Gone. My friend was gone, lost in fear, denial and anger, never to return as the man I knew. 

Alone. Alone with my internal storm of emotions, bubbling with toxic sea creatures encouraging me to give up, let the pain sink in. Let it become me. Drowning in pain. So much pain. Give in. “No one is here to save you anymore”, they whisper while their tentacles try to take me over. “It was only a matter of time, he finally knew there was someone better out there than you” the creatures snarled confidently. My limbs are limp, my resolve to keep treading water is diminishing and letting go is starting to sound peaceful. “He was your everything, now that he is gone, you have nothing. You ARE nothing.”  They seem almost gleeful in their insults, but I know they’re right. I’m powerless against all of this, there’s too many of them and they seem to keep stinging my abdomen, weakening my core every way they can. I give up and I start to sink with all their weight hanging on me. 

My feet hit the sandy bottom. “That wasn’t far” I think to myself. Then I notice the creatures are swimming away. Was this a game to them?? It almost seems like they were feeding off of my pain. I’m running out of breath, I have to get to the surface. I push off from the bottom and voraciously breathe in the crisp morning air. 

I awake to find the sun is rising with a breathtaking orange and blue glow. The night is drifting away taking some dark emotion with it to make way for a brand new day. I feel relief. Another day down. My eyes are too swollen to see anyone today, but that’s what sunglasses are for. And ice packs. I can do this, I quietly think to myself. People don’t actually die from heartbreak. Maybe they do. I have to do something else. Something I wouldn’t have done when we were together. A personal growth institute, I need to go and start a new journey.

You were my healer, my teacher, my best friend, my soul mate. I couldn’t fathom my life without you, let alone survive it without you. You were my world, my everything, nothing was ever too scary with you in my life. Then, in one swift motion, our time was up and you were gone. I loved every moment, every memory, every argument and every laugh. For a while, I thought I might actually die. I didn’t know who I was without you. But I do now. Every now and then your calm advice helps me power through something, but mostly it’s me. My own voice. Iam my own guide now. My own hero. My own goddess. My own warrior. Thank you for teaching me how to live without you. Now I can experience the love I want and not the love I need. I have all I need as Iam, and I couldn’t have found that without you moving out of the way. 💜💖

The Triangular Theory of Love

Science-Based Life

I am going through a number of personal events at the moment. I have recently ended a relationship that lasted over half a decade and am beginning a new one. At the same time I am taking a free online lecture course from Yale in psychology. Where do these things intersect? At love. Or, more specifically, what love can be defined as psychologically.

The Love Triangle

Developed by noted psychologist Robert Sternberg, one widely used psychological conception of love used is The Triangular Theory ofLove.

Via Wikipedia

According to Sternburg, any permutation of love contains at its root three components. They are:

  1. Intimacy: Feelings of attachment, closeness, typified by sharing secrets, etc.
  2. Passion: Feelings of sexual and romantic attraction.
  3. Commitment: A willingness in the short-term to create and maintain a relationship and long-term plans to sustain the relationship.

Of course, a “perfect” relationship in…

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Curly fries, trampolines, tears and unconditional love

There’s been an overload of carbs and cheese lately, believing that my pain could be smothered in cheddar and deep fried deliciousness. Unfortunately, then I realize I feel even less motivated to do anything and trapped by my obsessing thoughts because I’m about to birth a food baby. 

Then the tears come marching in, which momentarily leads to a full blown ugly cry. Time to call in the troops. At this point I usually spend the next several hours verbally processing with my support system. I laugh, cry, vent, blame and ultimately, accept my current choices. I really couldn’t get through this without them. It allows me to see different perspectives and pull myself out of the dangerous nostalgia that consists of failed expectations. I have had countless conversations filled with gratitude, love, appreciation, valuable insight, support, empathy and connection. My tears are short lived with so much love from all directions.

Tonight I needed more of a distraction than just conversations. My ex wanted to come drop some things off I left behind and I refused to see him for now. It took a lot of energy to resist and I needed another relationship to fill the void, but nothing intimate or romantic. I went to a friends house that has a family full of humorous, rediculous, entertaining interactions and a giant trampoline in her back yard. We chatted about big topics while I happily jumped my heart out like a bouncing Tigger. She knitted me more of my “love blanket” like a caring mother  and her 22yr old son joked that he was going to infuse it with a little judgement in order to balance it out. 

Me: Don’t infuse judgement, now it has to be cleansed.

22yr old: No, you need balance. It needs balance. You need balance. Are you gonna write this in your blog?

Me: Maybe. Why?

22yr old: Well, your writing is like that lady that wrote that Eat.Joy.Fuck book.

Me: You mean Eat.Pray.Love? Your name represents an entirely different book.

22yr: Yeah you write like her but there should be a book called Eat.Joy.Fuck

Me: Have you even read that book?

22yr: I’ve read pieces and a synopsis of it. I get the point.

Me: Well, thanks for sharing.

So, yeah, that’s been my night. It was gloriously imperfect and totally inappropriate. I loved every minute.

I’m gonna love you, hug you, kiss you like you might walk out the door

What if we all loved our partners like they might leave? I don’t mean desperately or from a place of neediness. I mean from a glittery platform of gratitude, respect, adoration and compassion. Where we genuinely understand where they’re coming from, as if they are an extension of ourselves and you might disconnect from that part of yourself if you don’t embrace it and understand it. Where you kiss them after work like you haven’t seen them in months. They listen to your stories and interests with patient eyes and a genuine desire for what you have to say. They serve you questions with childlike eagerness that reminds you they do care. You leave them notes of appreciation on little scraps of paper, on the bathroom mirror or on their pillow. They make you breakfast so you’re not late to work. You consider each other and embrace them every chance you get. When we hug each other, oxytocin, “the cuddle hormone”, is released, making us feel all warm, connected and bonded. Their are physical and neurological shifts happening in our body when we simply hug. 

So often we forget to love with our whole heart. Life can change so rapidly. Two years ago I went to bed thinking about building a family with my husband and woke up to cheating, divorce, and turning 30. I wish I paid attention more. I wish I read the wobbly-head-Bob comics that he was into or learned how to set up a router. I wish he kissed me like he could lose me or atleast left before it had to go the way it did. I wish it was the social norm to love ferociously without the judgment that you want something which doesn’t exist. It does exist but you have to search every hidden cavern and crevasse and appreciate every moment. You have to give more than you expect to receive. You have to let go of the strings you attach to your love and gratitude, knowing that you may not get anything back but it was always your choice to hand it out. That’s a good thing. It doesn’t make you weak, foolish or childish. It makes you whole and brave. You have to be able to confront the dark evil gremlins that are always in the bleachers throwing tomatoes at you. You have to start with you, the one staring back at you in the mirror. Because, that is the person that will love you always, unconditionally. ❤️

He said he would come.

To me, this post is so creatively representative of the emotions women feel when we are waiting for a lover to engage. I am a “hopeless romantic” and have recently graduated to a courageous warrior. As a self-reflective, self-aware woman I want a partner that “shows-up” to be seen, that chooses to love me everyday, that comes to our special place…just the way this post so vividly describes. I make choices everyday and when your choosing to show up emotionally and your partner keeps standing you up in the rain, eventually you have to accept that your alone. I keep waiting for him to show up.

tipsytirade

She stood there. The sky howling as the wind whipped at her. Though the heavens wept, her heart glowed. Today was the day he said he would come. Today was the day she would meet him after years of being waiting.

“Wait for me at our special place” he had whispered in her ear as he left. She had smiled through the tears that were streaming down her face as he left, for she knew he would come, and she would wait until he did.

Today was the day, at any moment now, she would see him. Tall frame, messy black hair, twinkling eyes and grinning lips. She could imagine him so clearly in her head, it was a wonder she thought, even after all this time, the memories hadn’t faded.

She felt jitters as she thought of what would be. A heady mix of longing and fear. She closed…

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